How to BOOZE

I suck at drinking. Sometimes my body be like “girl, you fine!” then 5min later “jk we are not fine, abort ABORT.” I’m pretty sure I missed out on the enzyme/gene that helps break down alcohol lol. So, I’ve learned to be real choosy on when and how much I consume.

But I am less concerned about the negative effects of alcohol consumption than I am about having a healthy relationship with the bottle. Ever notice how the ONLY stress management tactic we are programmed to see via media, movies, etc is uncorking a bottle of wine or pouring a drink after a stressful incident or long day at work? Next time you watch a tv show, I GUARANTEE you will see this.

I’m not hating on the pleasure of a glass of big, bold cabernet…but it pisses me off that culture advocates for few, if any, alternate tactics for dealing with stress and emotions.

Whatever. Culture is not our friend.

But I think it’s important to be realistic and acknowledge our environment.


1. Know why you’re doing it.

Are you celebrating? Savoring a special whiskey? Great! Enjoy the hell out of it. Are you stressed? Reaching for something to distract you from hurt or suffering? Don’t prolong the suffering. Face your sh*t. Call a friend or have a heart to heart with yourself.

2. Mitigate the damage.

Avoid the extra sugary additions and perhaps opt for clearer liquors. Grab a soda and lime if you want to abstain w/o questions.

3. Prioritize protein and veggie.

Bone up on nutrients and get a couple solid meals in if you’ve got an evening festivity.

4. Expect some fluctuations.

The next day you may feel leaner due to dehydration. Your body will want to bounce back to homeostasis, so the scale may pop up to overcompensate and to reflect some water retention and/or inflammation.

5. ????????‍♀️Don’t stress about it.

Piling stress on top of a potential stressor is silly and a waste of your precious energy. If you’re going to drink, own it and enjoy it, or don’t bother.

Note: This message approved by my alter-ego Michelle who loves rosé, ghost-ing parties and taking hot/cold showers for hours on end.



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